Tuesday, August 09, 2005


All of the kids are sleeping right now, and I don't know what the fuck to do with myself. They're sick, probably from spending the weekend with my mother, which certainly makes me feel like puking sometimes. Vincent has been trying to paint the trim on the house from a dusty pastel blue to a lovely white, and as much as I need a break on weekends, I've obliged getting the kids out of the way because the one estimate that we got - from poor college students no less - was for $11,000. That is not a typo. So off to your grandmother's!!

My mother and grandmother like to have the same conversation with me over and over when I visit them without Vincent. In a nutshell, the conversation trashes my sister-in-law (my brother's wife), alluding that she's jealous of my mother being closer to my kids than to hers. Of course, she's not supposed to actually notice this, but it's impossible to ignore. At the same time, they point out that when my other sister-in-law (Vincent's sister) has children, I will also notice how much my MIL favors them. They imply that this is because a mother and daughter are always closer, and that it carries over into their relationship with the grandchildren.

I resent the hell out of this proposition, because I don't appreciate my kids being put on such a high pedestal compared to my nephews. It's awkward. Plus, I'm sure that it's at least partially a manipulation meant to drive a wedge between Vincent's sister and myself, as well as between my MIL and I.

Now, I can buy the argument that a mother might relate to her daughter's role as "mother" more than her son's role as "father," unless the elder mother is in fact a transsexual. But that would add it's own set of issues, wouldn't it?

Perhaps it's because my mom and I don't get along that well - we are very different people. Worse, I feel like she doesn't appreciate our differences because she can't see beyond herself - she (and my grandmother) is the kind of woman who buys herself something that she loves, and buys the same thing for me, and my grandmother, and puts one away for my girls. This is especially a problem, because my tastes run along the lines of Tiffany's and Restoration Hardware and she's more of a "I found these t-shirts at Drug Fair for $2 each so I bought you one in every color - I know you're down to a size 8 now but they only had XXL. They shrink!!" I buy one piece of chocolate at Godiva and she eats a whole bag of Hershey's kisses.

Vincent's sister is TTC and now I cannot shake the undercurrent of bitterness that has been instilled by my mom. I hate myself for it.

Any experience with this? Do you believe it to be true that a mother always favors her daughter's children? Does anyone feel the same way I do? How do you handle with your sister in laws? Or is my mom just a bitch?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, this is a tad awkward as this is my first post but, personally, I think your mother is being very mean-spirited.

My MIL adores all her grandchildren equally, same with my parents. How can you favor one child when you treat them all like the miracles they are?

Favortism is just another word for poison.

Just my $.02

5:29 PM  
Anonymous Leggy said...

Oh boy- I see what you mean, we both have major grandparent issues. As The Cutie Pie is the only grandchild on both sides, I don't have any experiences re: the favoritism. Also, my MIL has 2 boys, so she has no daughters to produce grandchildren for her.

I can see how her comments would be really awkward for you and also make you wonder- what does she say about me and my kids when we're not around?

I don't really have a lot of wonderful advice for you, just my sympathies and that I feel your pain. (Had a wonderfully fun conversation with my MIL last night in which I got to hear her perspective on some the issues I've posted about lately.)

Let's have a girls' night out sometime and vent about how grandparents are the bane of our existence!

9:50 AM  
Blogger Stolidoli said...

Kathleen, don't feel bad. I also think she's being mean spirited, and I cannot fathom how she isn't wild about my nephews.

And oh Leggy, girls night out? VEntine AND beer perhaps?? Count me in!

7:49 AM  

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