A post about my nipples and other things, like just how smart my kids are

Once, after Riley's horrific birth, a lactation consultant came into my hospital room and told me that I had "nipples to die for." This, I must admit, was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I know that sounds lame, but I mean, the woman looks at nipples all day long. Ever since then, my breasts (or mainly my nipples) have belonged to my children.

So fast-forward to me nursing Adelyn. As an eight month old, she is finally questioning where her milk is coming from. She has recently taken to curling up on my naked breast and exploring my nipple when she's done drinking. It's really an odd sensation, to say the least. First, she grabs it and squeezes. Then she tries to pick it off my breast so that she can hold it up and look at it more closely. Once she gives up on that quest, she flicks it and looks up at me and laughs when I squeal in pain.

Now, even if you've never breastfed, I'm sure you've encountered a man that was a little too rough with the goods once or twice. It hurts. But I'm really rather assertive and have therefore never put up with this from a man for very long.

Riley had this thing when he was Adelyn's age where he thought it was quite funny to bite me with all four newly acquired teeth and then giggle furiously when I cried out in pain. I tried everything to get him to stop and eventually had to transition him to a bottle - this is when I found out that I hate making formula and cleaning bottles more than getting my nipples bitten, but alas, it was too late.

What I think is neat about all of this (yes, ever the optimist with the sorority girl vocabulary) is how she seems to be just so curious about her food supply. It's rather advanced, if I must say so myself.

Bella, by the way, was an angelic nurser. She gently caressed my breast while she ate and looked up at me adoringly, which is why I nursed her for 15 months. I actually cried when she weaned herself.

Oh, how I long for those days. I thought girls were supposed to be more gentle than boys? I am in trouble with this littlest one.

Since we're once again speaking of milestones, Riley also did something cool this week. He and Bella went to "lunch bunch" for the first time (isn't that a silly name?) and when I picked them up, I asked Riley who he played with. He kept mentioning two friends that I knew weren't there that day, and I pushed him, "Are you sure???" because I started thinking maybe I was crazy. Finally, he looked at me and admitted, "No, I was lying because I wanted them to be there." Now, kids his age often lie as a means of magical thinking, just as he illustrated with his comment about wanting his friends to be there with him. But the fact the he actually has the insight to realize it? Again, totally cool.

Now, I hate to neglect the middle child, but Bella's really having a rough week. She's fighting an interstinal virus and has been cranky as hell, which is to say that the hairs on the back of my neck have been standing on end all week long, like, at the merest whisper of her voice. She has actually been waking up early (why must they do that when they're sick and need their rest?), and I hear her at the top of the stairs, still in her pajamas, saying, "Uuuh, I want Daddy to pick me up, uuuh, I'm angry at you!" before she's even seen anyone. Bad bad news. Whiiiiiiiine. All. Fucking. Day. And where the fuck is Daddy anyway? At work, of course.

But she's still cute as a button, so I forgive her. She'll make up for it next week, I hope. In the meantime, I'm still taking her to see her grandmother this weekend because she has been acting out little plays with her Happy Meal toys. They all go something like this:

Pink candy pony: "I want to go to Grandma's house"
Purple pinwheel pony (in an older, Grandma-like voice): "OK, I'll pick you up"

And then she gets under her covers and "drives" to my mother's house. But first she stops at McDonald's - do you think I go there too much?

So I'll mostly be incommunicato this weekend. And as I'm staying at my mother's house, I will also be drunk as frequently as possible.